Defined
Anxiety;
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
As we understand the definition it is important we also understand a more sinister version of this monster.
General Anxiety Disorder;
a psychological disorder characterized by excessive or disproportionate anxiety about several aspects of life, such as work, social relationships, or financial matters.
(This is typically classified by councilor or therapist as worrying on a daily basis for an extended period of time)
Another good way to see what General Anxiety Disorder looks and feels like is right in front of you. This was one of the diagnoses I received while at Alpine. So this material is both important for me, but also very personal to me.
I think it is important as we begin to understand Anxiety, that we discuss the difference between these two definitions. To do that we need to acknowledge that anxiety will always be a part of our lives. That we encounter true areas of anxiety or worry that we sometimes simply cannot avoid. The issue is, and the important detail to remember is that we react the same in both circumstances. That can be a huge issue. This is why recognizing and working to cope with anxiety is so vital to our recovery. No addict functions well at a 1 or a 10, we have a far better chance of sustaining long term recovery if we stay in that 3 to 6 range.
Directly from the book Buddah’s Brain
We learn first and foremost that our very existence will involve some pain and suffering. This fact is an unavoidable part of the human condition. We consider these unavoidable situations “first darts”. If that is all there was we would most likely be okay, however the second darts are the reactions to these first darts, and they are unusually imaginary and self-created. In this key understanding is the formula to unlocking the mystery of anxiety.
“Second Darts”
Let’s work a more basic understanding of this principle. We are walking through a dark room and we stub our toe on a chair. The pain is a first dart, this is the inevitable part. Now the second dart is our reaction to it, we become angry at whomever moved the chair, or even cursing at ourselves for leaving the chair. The second darts then create a viscous cycle of second darts, perhaps we lash out at someone, or ourselves. We then face reaction to the lashing out and thus the cycle of second darts grows.
Hopefully this is a somewhat clear version of how an unavoidable first dart can start a cycle of second darts that we actually create.
Let’s look at how that contributes or even creates a world filled with anxiety. Because we know now that some first darts are unavoidable, that means some fear and worry is normal. However often times we are not sitting in a cycle of fear and worry over first darts, that system, our system for safety runs in the background of our brain. It is the reactionary portion of our brain that causes us pain and the fear and the worry. These emotional responses are typically remnants from the cycle of second darts we have either created or perceived.
Now as I came to understand this it caused me to feel extremely uncomfortable, I began to realize that a large majority of the choices I made and situations I faced were being created or (controlled) by my anxious behavior. The truth is I was living in a much distorted “uncontrolled” reality. As I started to unravel the web of this false reality I at times felt untethered and tremendously fearful. However as I have come to understand this principle on the deepest levels I can understand it, I have found joy, peace, harmony, and my days are full of these types of emotions. I do not walk with fear, anxiety, and future worry. So my hope in this message is to shed light on the idea that you can move out of this constant state of fear, these moments of brain hi-jacking anxiousness.
Okay lets use a silly but easy to understand example of anxiety, and then lets lay that over the thousand or so areas we choose to let anxiety screw up our daily life.
“I endure a first dart, I stub my toe on a chair, hard! It hurts!, Now a Chris Alder style flood of second darts ensues, I lash out at my son for leaving the chair, I bitch about it for an hour, I forget why I was even headed out into the living room in the first place, I get pissed off, I go to bed angry and likely wake up angry………” Sounds about right.
Enter the Anxiety
Now the following day I stress and worry that later that night I might stub my toe again, I obsess about why it happened, I pre-think my routes through the dark room to help me avoid it, really I could go on and on about all the different things I could think about it, by the time I get home and the idea strikes me to go into the living room, I am paralyzed with fear, I am in quite suffering over the idea, as my daughter comes to my room with a problem I can barely focus on her, I am miserable, my head is consumed with the things that might happen if I stub my toe again.
Let’s take one more really anxiety plunge in this already ridiculous analogy.
Okay so let’s say after I stubbed my toe a conflict arose between me and my son the night before and then that is what I spend my day stressed about and trying to avoid and being fearful of.
Yes I could actually spend the day in anxiety over an already self-created reaction to a situation that already had its own built in reaction. I stubbed my toe and it freaking hurt! THAT WAS THE ONLY REALITY. THE REST I CREATED! YES ME I DID THE REST now I have spent time the next day worrying about a second dart outcome that is only perpetually creating more second darts…..NONE OF IT IS REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay if all this makes sense and even feels somewhat familiar then let’s talk specifically about coping with and managing anxiety.
We must first acknowledge and understand that we have anxiety, and what are the causes of the anxiety. Some of our best ways to manage anxiety is eliminating negative situations in our life, so congrats, by being here right now you are demonstrating a willingness to remove some of the negative aspects of your life.
As I came to understand my recovery and learned to manage my anxiety there were several practices I was introduced to. I have taken into my own life several of those practices. The list below works for me. I encourage you to use these as ideas as thought starters, you are not just getting clean and sober, you need to know how to put your feet back on the ground and how to start enjoying your life!
- Take time out. This for me is to take time out from everything, I meditate for 30 minutes every day, no phone, no interruptions. I am hooked into this process and my days are noticeably different when I miss it. Everyone has 30 minutes, but if you for some reason do not, then do it for 20, 15, 10 but find a way to unplug and calm your mind every day.
- Avoid energy drinks and high end caffeine intake. This I realize is a tough one, but it is a drug and if you use it, something is out of balance, I still drink diet coke, and I still use a 5 hour energy about twice a month, but for me the mental price for the energy drinks and stimulants is far to high for me to use daily.
- Get enough sleep. No one has a secret to sleeping less. Sleep deprivation is a huge health concern and when you are sleep deprived your brain is in survival mode. If you want less anxiety then your brain cannot be in survival mode another word for survival mode is high anxiety. You should be developing a pretty disciplined sleep practice here, bed by 10 and up at 6. Find ways to make 8 hours a goal that you hit more often than not and I can promise you less anxiety.
- Daily exercise. Oh you can tell by looking at me I am a model of health and fitness. Actually I walk 3 miles every day, I started at like 100 yards, this has taken me every day of the last 3 years to get it, but on the rare day or days that I miss, I note a huge difference in my abilities to both stay connected and in the moment when I don’t work out.
- Find a calming moment. This is very effective when you have an actual first dart and then are trying to avoid the second dart. Stop yourself and breath, just deep breaths for the count of ten, this actually has physical benefits, and you will find less second darts in this practice.
- Just do your best. The idea that it has to be 100% all of the time is a total bullshit story you tell yourself or you have grown up telling yourself, NOTHING is always 100% life does not work like that. Let that soak in because it is reality. Finding ways to just do your best and realize sometimes that is it! Let the perfection stuff live somewhere else!
- Accept that you cannot control it. I really learned this principle over some pretty hard experience and I still learn on this one almost every day, if I get stuck in traffic there is really not shit I can do about it, but I can control my reaction to it. So forget what you cannot control and focus on what you can….. hmmmm heard that somewhere before.
- Be funny, and laugh at shit. Look sometimes life is a big joke, addiction sometimes feels like a big joke, trying and failing is a joke, succeeding is a joke, just look around, life is a funny s.o.b. If you cannot take time to just drop your hands to your sides and laugh once in a while then your life is without frosting, laughter is the icing on the cake. I love the frosting (best part)
- Chew your food. Just slow everything down a second and enjoy the moments that make up the day. This has been my most rewarding practice in recovery. There is so much right in front of me I was missing. I am so grateful for the slow moments of every day.
- Stay positive. Perpetually permeate positivity. This is sometimes a step mixed in with a bunch of these coping skills, but if you do it you will feel better I guarantee it.
- Get into service. Some of our anxiety is the brains bad way of coping with boredom, this is vital that we serve and find a purpose in recovery, it has saved me countless times.
- Learn your triggers. Learn what gives anxiety? Is it work, family, school, or all the above. This can be easily figured out by journaling for a few weeks and then looking for patterns.
- Reaching out. This is my one of my staple go to coping skills, it requires effort and vulnerability to do it, but sharing with a friend or family when things are hard, lightens the load, gives me perspective, and keeps me clean & sober. I am careful who I reach out to, I try to avoid reaching out to someone that is only going to add to my stress or struggle. Good empathetic listeners are very important in recovery, and in life. Make sure you identify these individuals. Then do the next right thing. Call them!!! By the way the previous several sentences were talking about a SPONSOR!
One of the most valuable things I realized in rehab was that I am not alone, likewise you are not alone. This disease has disconnected or improperly connected you to yourself and others. Use this message and find ways to move forward everyday in this area. Most important two pieces of advice I teach my kids and live by myself are these.
Number 1. Worrying is not an action word. Do not let your brain fool you, worrying about something no matter how hard you worried never changed shit. The outcome will be the outcome no matter how much you obsess about it, doing something is an action word. Stop worrying and start doing something.
Number 2. It is never as good as you hope, and never as bad as you thought. This was tough medicine the first time I heard it, I was mad, but the bottom line is it is 100% truth. No matter how long I worried about something it was never as bad as I thought it would be. No matter how excited I got and how much future planning I did, the event was never as good as my hopes had built it up to be. Remembering this will provide the back drops for moving out of 1s and 10s thinking. You matter!
“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”
(some random internet quote)
“Your mind is your prison when you focus on your fear.”
(some other random internet quote)