Overcoming Anger

Defined:

Anger:
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility

Anger beyond a shadow of a doubt can be one of the most confusing emotions to cope with in recovery, no one emotion can derail your progress faster, back you into a corner quicker, and literally highjack your efforts to stay in the moment. This threatens all your feelings of health and well-being, which in the past we have clearly tried to self-medicate these feelings.

So vital to realize that often our anger, although directed at someone else almost always effects only us.

The physical symptoms of anger can be similar to the symptoms of poisoning. The heart may beat faster, accompanied by chest pains, stomach pains, dizziness, and sweating. This observation should help us realize that we are poisoning ourselves while the objects of their anger have no symptoms at all.

The emotional symptoms can be far reaching and troubling, but again and even more definitively we are only hurting ourselves. These are vital reasons to not only acknowledge our anger, but address it and work to resolve it.

Now with all this said, I am exploring this idea with all of you today, because I am a true expert at getting angry, as a matter of fact some of my best moments at Alpine were in fits of unjustified “anger” so with that fact clearly stated I will begin exploring the ways we can bring serenity back to our troubled waters.

• Let’s start with the most basic of basics the good old count to ten. Now there is a reason this has been tried and true for years. It works, this gives the brain something else to focus on, it lets the heart beat slow down and the head to engage in the process of reasoning. These are things that are severely lacking in most angry situations. For me a good ten count practice has been to quietly say the serenity prayer.
• Another great tactic especially for what I call sustained angry environment, is to actually use relaxation techniques, breathing, listening to calming music, taking some me time in the sauna or a hot bath, or even a good hard work out will help expel those emotions and provide some calming.
• Distraction, this means getting away from or out of the situation and literally forcing yourself to focus elsewhere, call a friend and talk about fishing, watch Seinfeld, grab a good book, draw, these are all broad suggestions to distraction, but they work.
• Finally and the most effective, is doing something incompatible with anger, pray and thank God for things one by one. Kiss your spouse, companion, or child. Pet your dog or cat. These again are broad ideas, but hopefully it makes sense, the bottom line is gratitude and anger cannot co-exist.

These are such vital steps to move forward in recovery, we come to realize that anger that often hits us like a 10 is really only a 1 or a 2, this will get better with practice, and patience. The thing to consider with anger is we almost always project it, this means someone else is most likely going to pay for it.  When we make others feel like shit because we feel like shit, then comes guilt and the need for amends. When the reality is, a little patience and a little different look at the situation and maybe the anger had no place between you and whomever became the target.

For me personally insecurity and vulnerability have been the source of hostility and anger, not feeling up to a challenge makes me feel cornered and with little or no pushing at all I am lashing out with deep sarcasm (a sure sign I am angry) or I am just being at outright loud bully. Often times these outburst have led to a place of deep sorrow as I have made lasting impressions on someone with my bear like behavior, and I dare say for the last year of my marriage my ex-wife must have felt more like a verbal punching bag than a wife. These things are painful and long last and they become the building blocks for deep self-loathing and sadness.

I am not sure any one emotion can be as inward and outwardly destructive, we have only scratched the surface but I think something needs to be said here about carrying long term anger or hostility towards anyone or anything. All of the information on remapping the brain that I have read and understand hinges upon the principle of letting go, changing, and moving forward. This is why releasing this hostility providing forgiveness and moving forward are critical steps in recovery, there is no such thing as the one thing you can hold onto, it must be worked through, talked out, moved on from. This is the means by which our mind and in this case our heart heals. Instead of walking around with this ball of shit hidden waiting to attack our mind and our heart at “any moment” a scar can form and our life can progress. Otherwise and I know from experience, it will come back, again and again until you find a way to muscle through it. I do realize that typing some quick words cannot change the suffering that some have endured, but by carrying the grief, the pain, the anger, you in turn allow the suffering to go on and on. Now is the time to work through the mess.

In the meantime exercise forgiving yourself, finding great patience in the process. I can promise you it will take time, and you should look into each opportunity for growth. It will get better, easier, and it is so worth it.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”