Wikipedia defines Forgiveness;
Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.[1][2] Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), pardoning (granted for an acknowledged offense by a representative of society, such as a judge), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).
Keeping in mind the definition actually uses the word voluntary and the word change. This was a daunting task for me in recovery, I don’t like to fail, and forgiving myself started with acknowledging my failings. I have reference many of the 12-steps in my blog, this may seem intentional, however it is a simple pragmatic reality that the steps line up with the true nature of the recovery process, none more so than forgiving ourselves.
- Take moral inventory.
This requires self-examination that can be uncomfortable, but honesty is essential in this process. The key is to identify any areas of past regret, embarrassment, guilt or anger.
- Own it with yourself, with God and with someone else.
- This involves admitting to past poor behavior. Often, members of 12 step will share what they wrote down during the previous step with their sponsor.
Every person has character defects, whether they come in the form of impatience, anger, apathy, criticism or negativity. The recovering addict is not strong enough to eliminate these defects on their own, so they ask their higher power to do so.
As we move through the process then forgiving ourselves can really begin, as we take the moral inventory often times we can feel overwhelmed as we move forward with the process, it becomes critical that we complete this, complete it fully, and we should whenever possible work it with counselor, clergy, or sponsor.
Consider the idea that forgiving yourself is the most critical part of a sustained recovery. Believe it or not I have a story.
I am lucky enough to work in the high line auto industry with Lexus, some of the finest motors ever built. In my first year as a Lexus service manager, we had a customer come in wanting the engine replaced at Lexus expense. The customer lived out in Rural Utah and as we began looking at the vehicle we removed the oil filter and found that in the 80,000 miles he had never changed the filter, he had changed the oil but not the filter. This makes me think of the nature of forgiving ourselves. I am certain the customer believed that changing the oil was all that was required, but by leaving the filter and only changing the oil, he allowed a huge amount of contamination back into his clean oil, this did not hurt the vehicle at first, but over time the filter overfull became the source of sludge that eventually seized the motor. If we only do most of the work, and leave this for later or bury it, we may get away with it for a little while, but we cannot outrun our past. We cannot hide from, change, or ignore the damage we have done to ourselves and others, but coming to a place where we acknowledge, work through, and then forgive ourselves is the key to feeling fulfillment in life.
Forgiving ourselves will help us in more ways than we can imagine right now, strengthening our relationship with our higher power, losing and no longer longing for a sense of isolation, by receiving our own forgiveness we learn to forgive others, we learn humility, gain honesty, and finally we put ourselves in a position to complete the steps and move our lives to new ground.
This is so easy to talk about and so ridiculously hard to do, but this was my process, the difference between life and death, and when I say life, I mean a life worth living, loving and enjoying, because on many levels anything else will sell you so short and it is a death.